A parent's worst nightmare...

I can not begin to imagine what the children at Sandy Hook Elementary School are going through today and how fear ridden their parents must be.  When I first turned on the tv, they were only reporting that the gunman had died but that was it.  Since then, they are saying 8 adults and 18 children.  I can't imagine!

I remember watching as news came in after Columbine as well as Virginia Tech and although my heart went out to those affected by these horrible tragedy and their families, this has hit me a little differently.  I look at the little boy sleeping in my arms right now and I can understand the fear these parents must have.  Now that I'm a mom, the need to keep my child safe is the most important thing and the thought that sending him to school could result in something like this, leaves me completely fearful.  I know I can't wrap him in a bubble but we always think that school is relatively safe.  That thought has been shattered today. I'm hugging my sweet boy a little tighter today.

I know that we will always have guns, but can we agree that there should be stricter gun control?  As one of our friends always says "guns don't kill people, people kill people."  I understand this idea but we need to be sure that people can't get their hands on guns quite so easily.  We make it TOO easy for people to kill people.

I read a great blog post over on Motherfog the other day about Canadians and guns. Canadians have tighter gun control and it seems to me that the US needs to take a look at this and follow suit. Read it and think about it.

Fussy Fussy

Life has changed a lot in the last 8 weeks, as we all knew it would.  We have loved ever moment with Eli and it amazes me how my love grows for our little guy each day.  I got my first social smile the day after he turned 1 month and I was able to capture it.  That little smile melts my heart.

No one ever said being a parent was going to be easy.  I had a lot of advice thrown my way before Eli was born.  I felt pretty prepared for the sleep deprivation and hormones taking over, leaving me a crying mess in a matter of seconds.  What I was not prepared for was having a fussy baby.

No one wants to admit that their baby is anything but easy.  But let's face it folks, Eli is not an easy baby.  I've always been told how happy I was as a baby.  According to my mom, I was always smiling and had an easy going temperament.  I never really thought that my child's temperament would be any different.  I know all babies are different but it never crossed my mind that I wouldn't have a happy, smily baby (and if you just looked at the picture above you would think I had just that).  Eli, however, is not these things. Things are getting better but there are days, in which, during his waking hours he is just not happy.  It's very frustrating as a parent to not know how to make it all better.

All this makes it very difficult for us to go anywhere.  He hates being in the car seat (as I know many babies do), and will wail the entire time, working himself up so much that he is sweating profusely and is completely red in the face.  It breaks my heart and I hate stressing him out like that.  It amazes me that when we are out and he begins to cry, it's as if people have NEVER seen a crying baby before.  They stare at you with judging eyes as if to say "why aren't you helping your child?" when I'm doing everything I can to help him.  Unfortunately, I've always been someone cares what others think.  I've always tried to let things slide off my back and I hate that I care but I do.  I want to walk up to those people and say "Do you think you can do better?  Do you think you can get my child not to cry?  Show me!"  It's so difficult to just let it go when people are staring.  It stresses me out and in turn stresses Eli out.  I'm learning but it's a slow process!

I have a lot of friends who have very young children and I look at all the pictures on Facebook of sleeping, peaceful babies or smiley, adorable children and wonder if anyone is facing the same issues I am.  Social media has made it easy for us to just show the happy, wonderful side of things.  But when the camera is put away do you have a fussy baby too?  According to my pictures on Facebook, I have a happy, smiley baby.  And although I do get a lot of smiles, he also spend a large amount of times unhappy.

Recently, Eli has had difficulty going to sleep (during naps mostly) without screaming/crying.  And I'm not just talking about a little crying, but a dinosaur wail.  It sounds as if someone is seriously hurting him.  All I want to do is cuddle him and tell him it's going to be alright.  It's been very difficult to deal with, as it is painful for me to watch him go through this several times a day.  He does wonderfully at night, even though I don't do anything different when putting him to sleep at night and during the day.

This week, however, seems to have been a bit of a turning point.  I'm learning how to get him to sleep without screaming.  And how to keep him happy most of the time.  I am now beginning to enjoy putting him to sleep, but he is still inconsistent.  At times he will still cry (but not shriek) and other times he'll just lay in my arms quietly until he falls asleep.  I have not found a pattern to this madness.

With all of this being said, my love for this little guy grows each day.  I never knew this kind of love before him!  The love of a parent is so special and so different from the way you love others.  I don't want to put him down all day (and don't put him down much) because I just want to always be with him. I'm not going to look back and think "I should have cleaned the house more" but I will look back and say "I should have held him more." So for now, I'll hold my little guy tight each day and do my best to make this scary transition from womb to world a little easier for him.

Eli's Birth Story

It’s amazing how quickly we forget details of a moment we thought we’d never forget.  I started writing Eli’s birth story when he was only 4 days old and I had already forgotten so much.  Here we are, now, 3 weeks later.  I have recounted August 26^th to the best of my ability but I’m sure there are details I will recall later on.

A few days before my due date, I had been getting really antsy for things to begin and had somehow convince myself that our little man would arrive early. But my "guess date" came and went and no baby.  While 5 others that I knew, who were all due within a week of me, had all had their babies I was still waiting and was feeling quite impatient.

Kamil and I had finished our Hypnobabies course a few weeks before and I was feeling energized and ready! I really felt I could do this naturally, using what I had learned in Hypnobabies, to relax myself throughout the process and let my body do what it was designed to do.

I was beginning to worry a bit when we went to see the midwives on my due date (August 22nd). We saw Kristen (one of my favorites!) and we discussed the fact that we had to schedule ultrasounds for 41 weeks and 41.5 weeks and if I went to 42 weeks I'd have to be induced.  Those words got in my head and rolled around in there for days. I really didn't want to be induced and wanted to let Eli come out when he was ready.

I had been having "practice waves" (Braxton Hicks) around my due date but just at night and then they would go away. On Thursday, August 23rd they became a little more frequent and lasted all day. At this point, the pressure waves were very mild and simply felt like pressure was being put on my lower back. No pain, not even discomfort so I didn't say anything about it. I was able to sleep soundly that night until about 10am the next morning.

On Friday August 24th I went for a walk with my mom, knowing that if my body was ready labor would get going. My pressure waves became stronger throughout the day but still fairly inconsistent, occurring anywhere from 8-30 minutes apart. For the first time in a while, I felt very tired and just relaxed and watched The West Wing for a good portion of the day. By the evening the pressure waves were more intense but I was able to fall asleep, thank goodness!

Saturday (August 25th), I woke up around 4 am due to the pressure waves and was unable to fall back asleep. I thought for sure today would be the day! 

Here is Kamil putting together the glider on Saturday morning.

I was becoming antsy since I had now been feeling as if my birthing time was about to start for 2 days.  Around 7 am the pressure waves were 6-8 minutes apart.  I was mainly feeling it in my back and a little in my belly.  Again, I decided to do some walking hoping that it would get things started.  I walked up and down our driveway for about an hour and later went for a long walk with Kamil around the neighborhood.  I wish I had realized that what I really should have been doing was resting. 

I checked in with the midwives around noon and Susan was on call.  I’ve never met or spoken to Susan since she is part of the south team.  The way the practice works is there are two teams of midwives.  5 of them are at the office I go to and the other 5 are at two other offices.  I really like all 5 of the women at my office but I definitely have my favorites of these inspirational women. 

Susan told me to continue to check in throughout the day and that I should come in once the pressure waves are 3 minutes apart, lasting a minute, for over an hour.  She also said that at this point I should not be able to hold on a conversation between them (something that I totally ignored).  She told me to eat and get some rest now while I could. 

At this point I was getting irritated since things were becoming inconsistent.  The pressure waves had been consistently 6-8 minutes apart all morning but at some point after I called they slowed down and were anywhere between 8 and 30 minutes apart. 

It’s very frustrating knowing that labor has been progressing only to have it stall.  I was so ready to meet our little guy and to experience the grand finale of pregnancy.  After all that pregnancy had taken me through, I was anxious, nervous, and excited to reach this moment.

I checked back in with the midwives around 3 and Kristen was on call. I was thrilled that she was there since she is one of my favorites. It makes a huge difference when the person delivering your baby is someone you know and are 100% comfortable with. Kristen pretty much said the same thing that Susan said.  And I was to call her back in a few hours to check in again.  Throughout the day, things continued to progress.  The pressure waves were getting a bit more intense and were getting a little closer together.

I was experiencing back labor (which I didn’t realize until a few days later) so Kamil and I tried the abdominal lift which we had learned in our Hypnobabies class.  We must not have been doing it right because it didn’t really help.  If we had had a doula we probably would have had a better idea of what we were supposed to be doing.  But with this being the first time we were experiencing this we really didn’t know what we were doing. 

Around 7:15 I called Kristen back since the pressure waves were about 3ish minutes apart.  I look back on the videos of me at this point and laugh.  In between pressure waves I was totally fine, laughing and making jokes, thinking that I was almost ready to give birth.  It’s almost embarrassing to watch. 

I ate dinner (first clue that I wasn’t ready to give birth). And we went to the hospital around 8:30.  When we got there Kristen said “you’re way to smiley!” Another clue that I wasn’t ready. Haha! 

They got me into triage and we were there for quite a while before they were able to check me.  After about 30 to 45 minutes Kristen came in and it turns out I was only 2 cm dilated.  Bummer!  I thought I HAD to be further along than that.  I had been feeling pre-birth waves since Thursday.  I couldn’t believe I was only 2cm!  Before heading home I had a very intense pressure wave.  Kristen told me to relax my hands and face as I was going through it.  And to think "Open."  It was wonderful to have my midwife say the sort of things we had been practicing in hypnobabies.  Reminding me to relax my hands, face and shoulders really helped to remind me what to do when things got intense.  Kamil kept this up throughout the rest of my birthing time. 

Since I was only 2 cm, Kristen said we could either walk around the hospital for a few hours in hopes that labor would progress or we could go home.  I wanted to do most of my labor at home so we decided to head home.  Kristen told me to take a Tylenol PM or have a glass of wine and try to relax and sleep since I had been up since 4am and it was bound to be a long night!

We called Kamil’s mom to come pick us up since my mom had dropped us off at the hospital and taken the car (since we thought we were there for good) so she could come back once the baby had arrived. 

Kamil had a lovely incident with a girl who had been smoking and told me that all pregnant women should be locked up (wow!).  But that’s another blog post. It took Kamil’s mom a while to get to the hospital since she wasn’t exactly sure where it was and got a little lost. 

Since we did not have any Tylenol PM at home and I was getting desperate we tried to track some down.  At this point it’s almost 11pm and I’m having a difficult time handling the pressure waves while in the car.  It’s difficult to find a CVS/Walgreens that is open at 11pm on a Saturday night. By the time we got home, I was exhausted and I could tell things are really getting under way.  I had no idea how long it would take, however.

Kamil went to sleep and I took the Tylenol PM and tried to sleep.  Each time I had a pressure wave, however, they hurt more and more as I was lying down.  Standing/leaning on furniture was the best way for me to get through them.  I finally decided to give up on sleep and take a shower. It’s amazing how much better I felt in the shower.  The water helped to relax my body and between the water and listening to my Hypnobabies tracks I was feeling a whole lot better.  I filled up the tub and sat in there for what seemed like only 10 minutes but I think I fell asleep (remember I had taken a Tylenol PM!). 

Around 2:30am the pressure waves were coming about 2 and a half minutes apart, and lasting for a minute and a half each, leaving me very little time to breathe between them.  I am still surprised that I had the clarity of mind to think to call Kristen.  I had been so focused on the pressure waves and trying to relax between them that I had not been able to think of anything else. 

Kristen told me to come back to the hospital since I was now in active labor.  I woke Kamil up and he woke up my mom.  It must have taken us a while to leave the house since it took us about an hour to get to the hospital (which is only 15 minutes away) from the time I talked to Kristen until we arrived.  It’s amazing how my whole birthing time felt much shorter to me than what Kamil and my mom remember.  My mom remembers that it took 3 pressure waves for me to walk from the front door of the house to the car.  At this point they were coming fast and furious. 

I tried listening to my Hypnobabies tracks in the car but at that point I was trying, so fervently to escape reality and get lost in myself (which is what I’m normally able to do when I’m in pain).  But back labor was unlike anything I’d ever experienced.  During each pressure wave I would forget to relax and I’d tense up.  Luckily Kamil and Kristen were very good at reminding me to relax.  The simple words “Relax your face.  Relax your shoulders.  Relax your hands.” got me through each of the pressure waves. 

We pulled up to the hospital and the moment I got out of the car a pressure wave hit and I felt as if I was pushing.  I had absolutely no control and I was continually trying not to push but it was not in my power to make that happen.  We had to leave the car right in front of the hospital since there was no way I was going to walk from the parking garage. 

As we were walking to labor and delivery I felt a gush.  It clearly wasn’t my water that had broken.  Turns out I had started bleeding which worried me a bit but I was too consumed to worry too much. 

In retrospect, I’m glad we had gone to the hospital earlier in the evening. It took a while to check us in and get the paperwork squared away and to have to deal with any of that in the state I was in later on would not have been something I could have handled.  Not that they would have made me fill out paperwork when I was in full labor but even giving them my name would have been a struggle.

They got me into triage right away and Kristen was waiting for us.  She checked me and I was 8cm dilated at this point! In only a few hours I had gone from 2cm to 8cm!  Labor was in full swing at this point and things were happening fast!  The baby’s heart rate was dropping each time I had a pressure wave, which they were a little concerned about and kept an eye on.  Kamil had to run back and park the car since they had asked him to move it.  It was difficult to be without him for the few minutes he was gone, as everything was very intense and hurried.

They took me to a Labor & Delivery room right away.  I remember leaning on the bed trying to get through pressure waves as people were in and out of the room.  It felt like an eternity between when then got me into L&D and when Kristen came back in to talk to us.  Kamil said it was only a few minutes but I think things were so intense at that point and I wanted things to get going so badly that it felt like forever. 

It has always been very important to me to have a natural childbirth.  If you know me well, you know that I tend to lean towards the natural way of everything.  I don’t often take medication, I eat organically and I try to make our house as nontoxic as possible, switching out chemical cleaners for natural ones, etc. My feelings on childbirth are no different.  I have always felt as if this is something our bodies are created to do and I wanted to be fully present in my birthing process and I didn’t feel I could do that if I couldn’t feel half my body.  Plus, the idea of a needle in my spine and not being able to feel my legs completely freaked me out.  I also didn’t want my baby to get the chemicals that would be pumped into me if I got an epidural.  I wanted to experience the natural rush of oxytocin and not have it be artificial.  This is what was right for me but I can 100% see why anyone would want an epidural.

Before giving birth, I had been a little worried about wanting an epidural. But I knew my stubborn nature would mean I would probably not ask for one.  In the thick of it, however, I did not even think once about any sort of pain relief besides getting the baby out as fast as possible.  My mind set was “the only way the pain was going to stop was to give birth, so let’s do this!”

With each pressure wave I was still unintentionally pushing and had been since I got out of the car.  At one point, while I was leaning on the bed and everyone was filling out paperwork, getting things set up, etc, around me I wanted to ask “are you sure the baby isn’t RIGHT THERE? Cause it feels like his head is almost coming out!” Little did I know it would feel A LOT different once his head was out.

At this point, Kristen was still concerned with the baby’s heart rate since it was still dropping with every pressure wave.  I was worried she was going to say we had to do a c-section (the last thing I wanted and had been working on putting out of my mind throughout my pregnancy) since the baby was in distress.  But instead, she wanted me to lay me on my left side while they gave me oxygen.  That I could do!

Standing up, however, was a different story.  I didn’t feel I could move from the position I was in and Kamil had to help me.  The moment I stood up, SPLASH, my water broke.  It truly was like someone had thrown a water balloon on the floor. 

Unfortunately, there was meconium in the water (the baby had had his first bowel movement before birth), which meant the NICU team would have to be there and he would not be handed to me right after he came out.  It would also mean that we would not be able to delay cutting the cord until the placenta had stopped pulsing.  These were two things that were in our birth plan and had been important to me.  But in that moment I was completely okay giving them up as long as I was still going to be able to have a natural birth.  I knew I was in good hands.  The midwives strive to do things naturally and I’ve trusted their judgment from day 1, knowing that they are going to try to give me the birth experience I was looking for and would only deviate from my birth plan if it was absolutely necessary.

Once I was able to get on my left side, they gave me oxygen and Kristen checked me again.  She said the baby’s head was right there.  This was it!  I got into a good position (on my side) and on the next pressure wave I started to push.  In Hypnobabies, they talk about “bearing down” when you’re pushing.  I thought I was SO loud as I was bearing down but looking back on the video Kamil took I was rather quiet.  Although at one point Kristen told me to relax my voice so I would be able to talk afterwards, since I was straining.

At this point the pressure waves gave me a break and let up a little bit.  They didn’t come as close together and I got a chance to breath between.  I was able to gather my strength between them so I could really push during them. 

After 2 pressure waves Kristen asked if I wanted to feel his head.  It felt very soft and squishy.  Since babies skulls haven’t fused together, in order to fit through the birth canal they feel totally different than what I would have expected.  Feeling his head gave me motivation to get him out. 

On the next pressure wave I pushed harder than I had and felt like his head should be out based on what I was feeling.  No luck though.  Little did I know that it would feel a lot different once his head was actually out.  With each pressure wave I would push and he would get further but then go back in a bit after it was over. 

Kristen said she didn’t want to have to make a little cut so I needed to show her that I could get him out the next time I pushed.  I was determined since I really didn’t want an episiotomy.  I later learned that she said that in order to motivate me and she wasn’t actually planning on doing one.  It worked.  On the next pressure wave (the 4^th since I had started pushing), I went for it.  The nurse, who was SO Long Island, said “It’s gonna hurt like hell but once he’s out you’re done!”  I appreciated her honesty and it helped to know how much it would hurt.  I continued to push even as the pressure wave was dying down and sure enough, out popped his head!  I had to push one more time to get his body out.  His little butt got stuck and it took a second to get him all the way out.  At 4:58am Eli was born!

 

The NICU people took him and made sure everything was okay.  It took quite a long time for them to finally bring him to me.  Too long!  In the meantime, I delivered the placenta, which was a breeze after pushing out an 8lb 4oz baby!  He got a 9.9 Apgar score and the NICU said he was perfect! 

I later learned from Kristen that the reason his heart rate kept dropping was because he had the umbilical cord wrapped around his neck twice.  He also came out with his hand on his face! 

Once they brought him to me I was overjoyed!  His sweet little face just stared at me!  I loved every second of that initial bonding.  Kamil cried and I was surprised I didn’t.  I was so tired from being awake since 4 am the previous morning and exhausted from all the work I had just done.  I felt so many emotions.  Joy had taken over and it wasn’t until a few days later that I cried just looking at him, so happy that he was finally here!

The whole experience was amazing and I haven’t stopped reliving it for 3 weeks now.   A few hours after he was born I said “I don’t understand how anyone does this again!”  Kristen said “The body has a way of forgetting.”  A few days after he was born I had already forgotten.  I told Kamil, I could totally do this again!  I have felt completely inspired by what our bodies can do.  Jessica (one of the other midwives) came to check on me the next day and said “Don’t you feel like superwoman?”  And I do!  I feel like after going through childbirth I can now do anything!  It was such a rush and in the end I got a perfect little boy.  I feel so blessed to have had such a wonderful husband to help me through the difficulty of labor and to have such a wonderful team of midwives who cared for me throughout my pregnancy and really listened to what I wanted!  What an extraordinary experience, one I’ll never forget.