Life has changed a lot in the last 8 weeks, as we all knew it would. We have loved ever moment with Eli and it amazes me how my love grows for our little guy each day. I got my first social smile the day after he turned 1 month and I was able to capture it. That little smile melts my heart.No one ever said being a parent was going to be easy. I had a lot of advice thrown my way before Eli was born. I felt pretty prepared for the sleep deprivation and hormones taking over, leaving me a crying mess in a matter of seconds. What I was not prepared for was having a fussy baby.
No one wants to admit that their baby is anything but easy. But let's face it folks, Eli is not an easy baby. I've always been told how happy I was as a baby. According to my mom, I was always smiling and had an easy going temperament. I never really thought that my child's temperament would be any different. I know all babies are different but it never crossed my mind that I wouldn't have a happy, smily baby (and if you just looked at the picture above you would think I had just that). Eli, however, is not these things. Things are getting better but there are days, in which, during his waking hours he is just not happy. It's very frustrating as a parent to not know how to make it all better.
All this makes it very difficult for us to go anywhere. He hates being in the car seat (as I know many babies do), and will wail the entire time, working himself up so much that he is sweating profusely and is completely red in the face. It breaks my heart and I hate stressing him out like that. It amazes me that when we are out and he begins to cry, it's as if people have NEVER seen a crying baby before. They stare at you with judging eyes as if to say "why aren't you helping your child?" when I'm doing everything I can to help him. Unfortunately, I've always been someone cares what others think. I've always tried to let things slide off my back and I hate that I care but I do. I want to walk up to those people and say "Do you think you can do better? Do you think you can get my child not to cry? Show me!" It's so difficult to just let it go when people are staring. It stresses me out and in turn stresses Eli out. I'm learning but it's a slow process!
I have a lot of friends who have very young children and I look at all the pictures on Facebook of sleeping, peaceful babies or smiley, adorable children and wonder if anyone is facing the same issues I am. Social media has made it easy for us to just show the happy, wonderful side of things. But when the camera is put away do you have a fussy baby too? According to my pictures on Facebook, I have a happy, smiley baby. And although I do get a lot of smiles, he also spend a large amount of times unhappy.
Recently, Eli has had difficulty going to sleep (during naps mostly) without screaming/crying. And I'm not just talking about a little crying, but a dinosaur wail. It sounds as if someone is seriously hurting him. All I want to do is cuddle him and tell him it's going to be alright. It's been very difficult to deal with, as it is painful for me to watch him go through this several times a day. He does wonderfully at night, even though I don't do anything different when putting him to sleep at night and during the day.
This week, however, seems to have been a bit of a turning point. I'm learning how to get him to sleep without screaming. And how to keep him happy most of the time. I am now beginning to enjoy putting him to sleep, but he is still inconsistent. At times he will still cry (but not shriek) and other times he'll just lay in my arms quietly until he falls asleep. I have not found a pattern to this madness.
With all of this being said, my love for this little guy grows each day. I never knew this kind of love before him! The love of a parent is so special and so different from the way you love others. I don't want to put him down all day (and don't put him down much) because I just want to always be with him. I'm not going to look back and think "I should have cleaned the house more" but I will look back and say "I should have held him more." So for now, I'll hold my little guy tight each day and do my best to make this scary transition from womb to world a little easier for him.
