After a lot of yelling and A LOT of crying the issues Kamil and I had with each other this morning have been worked out. We are both beyond stressed and haven't spent much time together lately. It really seems to be taking it's toll on us both.
From this fight came the realization that one of the reasons I feel that I can barely keep afloat is that I am lacking balance in my life. I am working too much, not seeing my husband enough, and not getting enough time to relax. When I come home everyday, the projects on the house stare me down. When we first bought the house and would come home from the city it felt like we were going on vacation. Now, being in the house stresses me out. I know this feeling wont last forever and that once we finish the living room we will both feel a lot better but for now it's hard not to feel the rush of anxiety almost knock me over when I walk through the door.
A friend of mine gave me a necklace a few years ago that says "Balance" on it. She told me that she bought it for me because I have always been able to attain such balance in my life. I actually laughed when she said that because I didn't necessarily feel like I was able to. She said that from an outsiders perspective I did a wonderful job keeping balance. I've realized since she gave me the necklace that I am better at it than I think and when my life falls out of balance everything falls apart.
Now that I know what the problem is it'll be easier to fix it. I'm not quite sure how to find balance again but I'm sure I'll figure it out. Looks like it's time to put the necklace back on to remind myself what I'm in search of.
Although we fought fervently today, I'm thankful that I have a loving husband who, although at times, can make me want to scream, also loves me unconditionally...even when I throw my chapstick at him. And even though I had to have a break down tonight for us to have a good heart to heart, I am glad that he is able to hear me and really listen to how I am feeling. I KNEW these first several months were going to be very hard in the house. It's easy to say that but it's much more difficult to experience them. I just want to get past this and be able to live our lives and not have it be so hard. Looking forward to those days.
Ahhhh, Gretch, I feel for you. Hang in there. Sometimes I feel like there has to be a certain level of conflict before we find balance. It's hard to be in the thick of it. It will happen again and again...just wait until kids come along. :)
ReplyDeleteSpeaking from an outsider's perspective...I am always jealous of the balance you seem to have. Especially because I've been struggling with that more and more lately (and am actually strugglig with it right now) and I always look at you and think what a good job you're doing with everything. And I know no one's perfect but maybe it gives you a shred of comfort to know that you look pretty impressive to someone on the outside. :) That being said, I'm glad you were able to feel better about everything going on. Hang in there, you have everything going for you and it will work itself out!
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